At the start of this semester, I was afforded the opportunity to access a new type of performance art that focuses on intellectual discovery as a means to convey information, with the name of this work being “Modern Political Analysis of Agrarian Farming Practices of Inuit Tribes in the 18th Century,” or MPAAFPIT18C for short. The performance seemed to be shrouded in secrecy, the only way to “register” as an audience member was through a clunky and retro-chic website called SIS, and even then you had to find it at the bottom of the list of works. Even through all this trouble, you still had to sign up for the show way in advance, at least a semester ahead in order to get in. Now, does all this trouble mean a worthwhile experience? You will soon find out. Read more...

Folks, we’re in for a real treat today. The Rensselaer women’s basketball team is lining up to duke it out with the Clarkson University’s Golden Knights. Unfortunately, our usual sports writer is a little under the weather, so I’ll be filling in for them. And boy, do I feel confident. Read more...

In a press release, Department of Public Safety Director Jerry Matthews announced a recent discovery of a trending new activity affecting Rensselaer students. Read more...

It is with great sorrow and heavy hearts that The Polytechnic announces the passing of former Editor in Chief Christopher Leong. It is hard to express the sadness that fills us in such a short staff editorial. Chris, this is a tribute to you. Read more...

After its release in 2003, the romantic drama The Room quickly gained notoriety as one of the worst films ever made. Written by, directed by, and starring Tommy Wiseau, the movie is the essence of a melodramatic love triangle, and the plot unfolds in such a remarkably predictable way that I could probably have written the dialogue word for word. Read more...

There have been reports filed to the Department of Public Safety of large crowds of people heard excessively yelling outside the Troy Building and adjacent buildings. It turns out the Rensselaer Club Speedwalking team has been practicing from sunrise to sunset. The team consists of 7,029 members: students, both graduates and undergraduates, including the president of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute. Read more...

I haven’t eaten anything, and Rasika bought sushi from Father’s. Man, Nick’s gavel is really loud. I feel like he hits that thing with more gusto than is warranted. What happens if he breaks it? I wonder if he has a hearing problem. I wonder how many decibels it takes to break the hairs in the ear. Oh damn, did Nick just say something important? I’m just gonna type some things so they think that I’m paying attention. Thank God for this agenda. Go whoever makes these things. They deserve an award or at least paid vacation—they’re raising their hands. Why are they raising their hands?! Why is there a vote so early in the game?! Whelp, some motion just got passed unanimously. Read more...

Friends, comrades, enemies, sympathizers,

Allow me to be frank: the leadership of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute is weak, and I won’t stand for it. As someone who has an overwhelming love for this institution, I refuse to see such a great school fail to live up to its utmost potential. As such, I have elected myself to the position of Grand Marshal. While some may call this transition of power a “hostile takeover,” I prefer to think of it as power falling into its rightful hands. Although this transition may be difficult for some of you, I strongly encourage you to bear with me as we go through this great reawakening in Troy; the consequences for insubordination will be swift and dire. Read more...

The chorus of the first track “Hello, It’s Me Again” of Adele’s newest album 23 sent disturbing, Christmas-themed chills down my spine. These chills remained while I listened to the other 22 tracks as I unreluctantly let Adele take me through a Christmas season I had never known. On the heels of 25’s success, Adele has managed to release another album, one closer to her heart and the holiday spirit. 23: Twenty-Three Christmas Songs to Remind You of Your Ex will force you to ask the questions, “Whose hand am I holding this Christmas Eve?” and “Do I still have to buy presents for my parents?” Read more...

Back in August, the board members of the National Collegiate Sports Association gathered around the fabled oval table in Jacksonville to discuss the addition of a new sport to the collegiate docket. Outside, temperatures hiked 100 degrees, and the central air conditioning unit broke down in the middle of the meeting. “How could you even consider this?” Jon Cheeseman, president of Eastern California University, asked the other members of the board as beads of sweat ran down his forehead onto his oversized nose. Read more...

On September 10, 2015, the chief chocolatier of the Experimental and Media Performing Arts Center announced the Golden Tuition Bill contest, in which five lucky winners of the golden bills will receive the opportunity to tour the world famous EMPAC factory. In recent years, the chief chocolatier has become a recluse, living secretly in her mansion on Tibbets Avenue. However, she now appears regularly, speaking at events called Town Hall meetings little importance to the Rensselaer community. With the announcement of the contest, the Institute total annual income is projected to increase by nearly one EMPAC construction and bring further media coverage to RPI, nicknamed Rochester Institute of Technology. Read more...

Sup Knurds?

I hope your day has been uneventful and grey. Maybe with a rough test and the good old ‘Tute Screw involved. I write today to announce my bid for Meanest Man on Campus, an annual competition hosted by Alpha Phi Omega during Grand Marshal Week to bring out the meanest and the leanest on campus. We scum raise money through donations, and the individual who raises the most money truly brings on the Glump and is declared the MMOC. I don’t care about any rulebooks or guidelines; I’ll make my announcements whenever I so please. So keep that in mind when we come out of budgeting season and the pennies are pinched so hard they bend. You’ll be scrambling to figure out which way your appeals should go, and it’ll cause a good laugh. You’ll wonder how to run all your programs and have all your teammates travel, but that sounds more like a “you problem.” Read more...