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300 MILLI EMPIZZLE

Head of EMPAC announces new “Golden Tuition Bill” contest

Posted on December 9, 2015 in Uncategorized by Papa Poly, Senior Reporter

On September 10, 2015, the chief chocolatier of the Experimental and Media Performing Arts Center announced the Golden Tuition Bill contest, in which five lucky winners of the golden bills will receive the opportunity to tour the world famous EMPAC factory. In recent years, the chief chocolatier has become a recluse, living secretly in her mansion on Tibbets Avenue. However, she now appears regularly, speaking at events called Town Hall meetings little importance to the Rensselaer community. With the announcement of the contest, the Institute total annual income is projected to increase by nearly one EMPAC construction and bring further media coverage to RPI, nicknamed Rochester Institute of Technology.

Out of the five lucky Golden Tuition Bill winners, one will receive a mysterious prize. Sources suggest that the prize is a full-ride scholarship to RPI, with an estimated value of $100,000 per year in 2050. Shortly after The Poly received this information, the first bill was found. The individual’s name has been censored and all that can be disclosed is that this individual holds various “throwaway” Reddit accounts with the format “descriptor” + “metal.”

Two days after the first ticket was found, both the second and third bills were acquired by Sharon and Eaton Richards ’18. Coming from a long Richards history, the twin Richards announced their intention to fill the hole their ancestors have left by being the first Richards to receive a college education. The fourth bill was found by a person in Schenectady, N.Y.; however, upon further inspection, he was confirmed and immediately disqualified for being a Union College student and “exhibiting a quality that straws enable,” according to RPI Athletics.

The last golden bill was reported found at Worcester Polytechnic Institute, but turned out to be a regular WPI tuition bill.

The WPI Undergraduate Admissions Office stated, “We had more money than we knew what to do with, so we gave it back to the students.” These WPI golden tuition bills are valued at the average aid a WPI student receives, $34,302.

Five days later, Rex Hu ’19 found the real, last Golden Tuition Bill in his mailbox at Commons Dining Hall.

“I went to check my mailbox in Commons, which is an annual tradition; I mean Hu checks their mailbox anyways?” Hu said. “If I win that full-ride scholarship, maybe I can buy more Hi-Chews. But in any case, I’m excited to see what the factory has to offer.”

The EMPAC factory itself produces works of art whose meaning is unknown to even the work-slave students employed there. There are varying reports of what art exactly is produced inside the factory; not many RPI students actually observe the “art” within. Anonymous sources say that the art “sometimes includes ambient light, people, and nails scratching on a board.” Whether the board is a chalkboard, whiteboard, or the Executive Board is unconfirmed. However, those four lucky Golden Tuition Bill winners tour the EMPAC factory, The Poly will update with further information. For more news on the EMPAC factory, visit http://empac.rpi.edu/.

Disclaimer: All articles and content published on December 9, 2015 are works of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, organizations, locations, or incidents is purely coincidental.