DERBY

PU announces intent to become meanest

Sup Knurds?

I hope your day has been uneventful and grey. Maybe with a rough test and the good old ‘Tute Screw involved. I write today to announce my bid for Meanest Man on Campus, an annual competition hosted by Alpha Phi Omega during Grand Marshal Week to bring out the meanest and the leanest on campus. We scum raise money through donations, and the individual who raises the most money truly brings on the Glump and is declared the MMOC. I don’t care about any rulebooks or guidelines; I’ll make my announcements whenever I so please. So keep that in mind when we come out of budgeting season and the pennies are pinched so hard they bend. You’ll be scrambling to figure out which way your appeals should go, and it’ll cause a good laugh. You’ll wonder how to run all your programs and have all your teammates travel, but that sounds more like a “you problem.”

Elections will be rolling around during the upcoming GM Week, so keep an eye out. I’ll be ripping down posters, kicking puppies, skipping leg day, and supplying you all with a nonstop stream of scandals. By the time I’m done, the elections will have to be drawn out so long that we will cycle through 5 different Rules & Elections chairmen. I may as well stay on as President of the Union after I graduate and be like our friends across the pond to become a sabbatical officer. Who knows, maybe it’s about time I got paid?

So, take the time and decide who to donate to now, and make sure it’s me. Otherwise, the activity fee will be rivaling tuition. Prepare yourselves; my mustache will be twirled and I’m perfecting my evil laugh. I will reign as the meanest man on campus, and bring the ‘Tute Screw back to its former glory!

Fear the Beard™

Disclaimer: All articles and content published on December 9, 2015 are works of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, organizations, locations, or incidents is purely coincidental.