Friends, comrades, enemies, sympathizers,
Allow me to be frank: the leadership of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute is weak, and I won’t stand for it. As someone who has an overwhelming love for this institution, I refuse to see such a great school fail to live up to its utmost potential. As such, I have elected myself to the position of Grand Marshal. While some may call this transition of power a “hostile takeover,” I prefer to think of it as power falling into its rightful hands. Although this transition may be difficult for some of you, I strongly encourage you to bear with me as we go through this great reawakening in Troy; the consequences for insubordination will be swift and dire.
I found myself in this position merely by chance; as the Top Hat article has gone largely unwritten, I could not let the opportunity to voice my opinion stand idle as time droned on. Calling it a power vacuum would be a gross injustice; I have merely been advantageous in the face of laziness. Consequently, I have sacrificed my time and effort to become the new author of the article, and have assumed all of the opportunity that this entails. As the new GM, I fully plan to bring equality to students and faculty alike. However, I urge you to bear in mind that while all students are equal, some students are more equal than others.
I saw the issues with Rensselaer illuminated by the fundamentally weak leaders of our former regime. We cannot stand by and watch our student leaders bicker amongst each other and fail the students time and time again; I fully intend to streamline the process by personally making all of the decisions that are necessary for the community at RPI. I assure you that while this degree of power could be misused by someone in the wrong hands, I have only the best intentions for the Institute. Those who suggest otherwise will be referred to the new group of excessively burly watchmen that will be introduced around campus.
This brings me to my next point: the changes that you, as a student, can expect now that I have assumed the position. As stated earlier, I intend to introduce a group of suited men around campus, which will henceforth be known as the Committee for Rensselaer Security, or Commies for short. This group is meant only to ensure that the transition into the new era of GMs goes as smoothly as possible; you, have nothing to fear despite their mysterious and forceful demeanor.
Additionally, we will be creating a new grading initiative that will be based on the communal effort of the students, rather than allowing students to achieve at their own pace. Individual grades will henceforth cease to exist, and all students will be awarded A’s based simply on their ability to be accepted to the Institute. This is intended to create a sense of camaraderie amongst those who have committed their lives and time to succeeding at Rensselaer. Dining halls will also begin rationing food in equal proportions to ensure that all of RPI’s community receives an equal share of nutrition and energy to succeed. All free time will be carefully regulated in an effort to assure the new leadership that all students are pulling the weight that they have agreed to in being a student here.
As I have stated earlier, I expect this transition to be difficult for some students. However, for those of you who manage to remain loyal to the new regime, the payout and advances in quality of life will surely be worth it. I wish you all the best during this great revitalization.