COOL KIDS CLUB

Drake gives insight into the writing process

JEREMY FELDMAN ‘16 WANTS E-Bored to take his policies insanely seriously.

I haven’t eaten anything, and Rasika bought sushi from Father’s. Man, Nick’s gavel is really loud. I feel like he hits that thing with more gusto than is warranted. What happens if he breaks it? I wonder if he has a hearing problem. I wonder how many decibels it takes to break the hairs in the ear. Oh damn, did Nick just say something important? I’m just gonna type some things so they think that I’m paying attention. Thank God for this agenda. Go whoever makes these things. They deserve an award or at least paid vacation—they’re raising their hands. Why are they raising their hands?! Why is there a vote so early in the game?! Whelp, some motion just got passed unanimously.

Greg makes some real dry jokes. They aren’t bad. It just takes me by surprise each time. He delivers them so seriously. I have a delayed reaction because of it. Like, was that a joke? Or, are people just laughing? Fodder for thought. Oh no, it wasn’t a joke. He’s making a point. Tip tap tip tap. I’m paying attention, everyone. The sound of me typing is indicative of that. Jeremy keeps talking about guidelines, and I keep thinking of the Pirates of Caribbean theme song. Duh duh, da da duh duh, da da duh duh. Arrgh, they be more like guidelines. That’s how I wish he would say it. Say it Jeremy! They’re onto the next thing on the agenda. Sigh.

Ines is presenting something.

I’m making faces at Stephanie real hard right now, and she isn’t even looking. She’s so involved in this meeting. Look at her take notes. She’s tip tapping with as much fervor as I, but with probably a lot more legitimacy. Dang, it’s only 8:30. We haven’t even breached the first quarter of the stuff on the agenda tonight. Ines is still presenting. This seems like a good time to check out that MasteringPhysics homework that’s due tomorrow. Four traveling waves are described by the following equations—nah, I’m okay. Even Ines is more interesting.

Ooh! Look, it’s another club! Look at them standing up there, presenting, manifesting their own destiny. Oh man, E-Bored is tearing them up. What did they want? Funds? That’s usually the one that gets the “Bored” members all worked up. Discussion. Here comes the vote. Denied. Damn, that’s harsh. Sorry, club. Next time. Wait, come back! No don’t leave! I need your name and class year! Please, my articles are already really sparse; I need you!

It’s the bottom of the ninth, folks, and we are still talking about the same thing. Oh sure, from someone looking in, it may seem like a discussion, but people are just sort of saying the same thing but in different ways, and I’m expected to make this into an article. You know what my colleagues tell me? Your article lacks substance, Dizzy. Pfft. Okay, they don’t say that exactly. I should probably give the “Bored” another chance. Take better notes. Pay more attention. Care! You know?

After all, if I wasn’t here, who else would keep them honest?

Disclaimer: All articles and content published on December 9, 2015 are works of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, organizations, locations, or incidents is purely coincidental.