Table brings something new to … table

Revolutionary new object will change elevated surfaces

AN ARTIST’S INTERPRETATION of the reviewer’s description of the incredible object in question.

I have something I truly need to get off my chest. I saw a new revolutionary product released to the market just the other day. I believe that it is called a “table.” I just want to say “WOW.” This product is a spectacle of modern day engineering.

Before this new product I was always forced to do all of my work on the floor—that is just no fun— but now, I don’t have to. I have never been happier than when I was finally able to place all of my stuff on to an elevated surface. I almost cried—a couple tears may have found their way out of my eye—but I held strong as history happened in front of me.

Upon first look at this modern day marvel, one would be hard pressed to say that it wasn’t speaking to them. And by speaking, I mean yelling … loudly. For me, I heard a mix of screams and chants, all of which were saying … something. But, don’t be worried, it will speak to you too. Maybe, if you’re lucky, it will sing you a traditional Sanskrit poem about death.

Let me tell you a little about this table. It only requires three pieces of wood to make, it is infested with splinters, and it falls almost all the time. However, it can hold stuff. I mean really hold stuff. For all of you paper people out there, this “table” can hold your paper—no joke. Honestly though, I will say that this ‘table’ can only hold up to two pounds worth of stuff, but it will hold it well. This is now a product that I never leave the house without. You will be surprised to hear how many times I hear “Ohhh damn … I have nowhere to put this, I wish I had an object to elevate this.” Let’s just say, a lot.

I am going to be honest; I didn’t really want to write this review. You maybe thinking to yourself right now, but why Andy Suds, you get your name in the paper, or, you will be able to share your opinions about this great new product. While these are true justifications; I want the table all to myself. Having other people own such an item just ruins the experience for me … and no one likes that. Let me just say, as a warning for all, if all of you begin to purchase such tables as I have, then one day, there will be tables everywhere. If that is to happen, then whom will I show off my table to—ergo, this can’t happen.

So, in conclusion, this will go down as one of the greatest products that has ever been created. But, anyone reading this should not buy one. Why, because I want them all to myself, maybe I will let you borrow mine. It really isn’t that impressive, I just wouldn’t worry about this whole “table,” nonsense to be honest.