Ratio reverted; new class majority female

The official enrollment numbers for the incoming Class of 2018 have been announced, and according to the Office of Admissions, it will consist of 3,643 students, 3,278 of which are female.

The Admissions Office has made it clear that females significantly out-performed male applicants in critical reading, math, and writing, while also being generally much more attractive. The only combined SAT score received by female students in the incoming class is a perfect 2400. Current students, however, feel threatened by the upcoming estrogenic invasion.

“RPI has always been a second-tier school, and now they’re accepting all of these outstanding women?” Rich Zucker ’17 said. “If the standard is raised, the rest of us will most definitely fall behind!”

The general consensus among students seems to be shock and outrage due to concern that the new overwhelmingly female population will raise Rensselaer’s rankings as a university, potentially even boosting it to the status of prestigious institutions such as Sage College.

As Admissions Officer Laurence Tureaud explains, “If the current, less intelligent students wish to transfer to a school more fitting for their academic standard, we will be assisting with such transitions to Hudson Valley Community College and the McDonald’s Hamburger University.” Scholarships will be offered, including the prestigious Big Mac Grant, which offers students a free soda with purchase of a large fries.

Due to their remarkable grades, every female student in the Class of 2018 has received full financial aid, including room and board for four years. To counteract the high cost of financial aid for this class, all other students currently attending RPI will have their aid revoked and yearly tuition raised to $100,000.

“I don’t want to go to a school with a bunch of girls,” said freshman and virgin Curtis Lumber. “They smell too good, they’re too smart, and I don’t know how to talk to them.” Lumber went on to express interest in staying in his room all day out of fear of accidentally interacting with a girl should he leave.