PU obliterates Senate in tell-all student address

Dear Rensselaer Community,

I would like to take a moment to update you all on the latest news from the Senate & Executive Board Long Standing War. As you may or may not be aware, there is a history of bad blood between the two bodies. Senators have been under the mistaken impression that their governing body is superior to that of the Executive Board, because “they created the Board.” Throughout history, there have been many great battles to determine the clearly superior group; however, it is on the battlefield of ice that the victor was recently proclaimed.

While the Senate believes that they were masterminds who determined that there was a need to establish a lesser body to handle the finances of the Union, they are, in fact, very incorrect. At the time that the Executive Board was established, there was a division in the Senate. There were a great many corrupt politicians who were using student activity funds for their own gains, buying horses and buggies for themselves, and not sharing their homebrewed beverages. A few members of the Senate could no longer bear to see this horrible desecration of our sacred funds, so they formed their own body and christened it the Executive Board.

We have come a long way since the Great Schism, and the Executive Board has grown in both power and anonymity. While the Senate likes to stand in the spotlight, touting their achievements, it is the Executive Board that truly has the power. Who decides whether the trees around campus live or die? Who selects which staircases will be shoveled and which ones will be closed until April? And who controls the Weather Machine? The Executive Board.

The Senate may have its little projects here and there, but it is the Executive Board who makes the real impact on students. In order to prove this indisputable fact, the Senate and the Executive Board had a clash of wills in their annual Broomball event, held March 22. This will forever be a date that haunts the Senate, as this is the day that they were defeated, once and for all.

At 7 pm on Saturday, the Senate and Executive Board faced off to determine the ultimate victor. In order to ensure fairness at this match, the referee was of course, Anthony Barbieri ’15, the Judicial Board chairman. Starting off the game, the Senate had thirteen members on their team, as compared to the eight members of the Executive Board. The Executive Board appeared to be in for a long and tiring game, but not to fear, as the numbers meant nothing. Even as the game began with a faceoff between the Grand Marshal and the President of the Union, the Senate’s fate was sealed. Despite having fewer numbers, the battle was destined to end in the Executive Board’s favor. We handily defeated the Senate, with graduate student Nimit Dhulekar powering through their weak defenses not once, not twice, but three times. Putting the final nail in the coffin, Matthew Kosman ’14 also scored, for a final count of 4-0. This exemplifies just how much better the Executive Board is, as the Senate could not even score a single point.

As a result of this final deciding battle, the Executive Board has appointed themselves as rulers of the Union. We will be constantly monitoring the Senate’s progress, of course, to ensure that they are working their hardest to prove themselves worthy of representing the student body. This means that they will be locked in the basement of the Union until the Executive Board deems them worthy of walking among us. If you know of anyone interested in running for Senator, please do encourage them. We are constantly looking for more manpower in the basement, and we definitely have a few publicly humiliating tasks left up our sleeves.

If you have any questions or concerns about the history laid out here, please contact me at, so we can get all of your questions clarified. Have a great Senator-free week!