NATHAN REVIEW

Dorer becomes the expert in a room in solitude

POLY EDITORS OCCUPY a room on multiple levels, seeing into their own character and each others.

On June 27, 2015, Poly member Nathan Dorer ’18 sat in the back room of the Poly office to review The Room, in celebration of Tommy Wiseau’s creative genius. Little did he know, halfway through the first play, I had locked him in from the outside and forced The Room on an infinite loop. A hidden camera was placed in the far corner to monitor his response. Why, you ask? To review the effects of repeated viewings of our generation’s most esteemed brainchild.

As an individual still untouched by the graces of Wiseau, Nathan exhibited a generally calm composure throughout the viewing. Upon discovery of his locked situation, he frantically tried to kick the door down, to no avail. The laptop continued to display Wiseau’s radiant brilliance, basking Nathan in its glorifying rays. By the fifth viewing, Nathan had entered the first stage of Room: denial. As a member of the professional bodycurling team at RPI, he maintained stellar “ball” form as he muttered adapted quotes from the iconic masterpiece, such as, “You are tearing me apart, Wiseau,” and “You’re nothing, you’re just a movie … cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep.” The one hundred and fifty-fourth play saw the final stage of Room: acceptance. Now upright, Nathan yelled at the laptop, upset that he had not seen The Room more times by now and demanded an increased volume. However, this is a loose translation of Wiseauian, which is often misinterpreted as gibberish and observed after the third stage of Room: bargaining. Nathan is still in the room, watching The Room to this very day. In conclusion, The Room portrays itself as a life-changing tool, similar to the euphoria Resilience users experience.

Unfortunately, a control could not be implemented because Stephanie Kern-Allely ’18 managed to escape the room located on the second floor of Sage Laboratories through a window. Her current whereabouts are unknown. If you would like to dedicate yourself to Wiseau or have any information on Kern-Allely’s whereabouts, please visit http://www.tommywiseau.com.

Disclaimer: All articles and content published on December 9, 2015 are works of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, organizations, locations, or incidents is purely coincidental.