Someone recently told me that the Opinions section of a newspaper is simply unnecessary. I was advised that no one wanted to hear my opinion and would customarily skip over or disregard this part of the newspaper in order to get to the more exciting and superior content of, say, the Features section of The Poly.
Now those of you reading this, well of those left who weren’t deterred by my first sentences, may not really care about what I want to say, but if this is one of my few chances to get my voice heard, then, so be it. However, I should warn you that the subject matter of these next few paragraphs may be extremely controversial, but I believe that it is necessary to spread the word.
First, the most underrated drink in the world is the slushie. These magical drinks were first pioneered by the fearsome Dai Suitong, a Chinese pirate who lived in the 13th century. Since then, the drink has evolved from its humble origins as a means to purify seawater to allow longer sea voyages to the flavored deliciousness of today. As a minority in the Drink Kingdom, slushies are often underrepresented and treated inferiorly by other drinks such as apple juice or lemonade. It shouldn’t matter what container a drink comes in, or what color has been added to them, Red 40 or Yellow 5. All drinks deserve to be appreciated and supported, no matter what life choices they make. It’s time to stop stereotyping slushies as the “summer” or “hot day” drinks and start seeing them for who they really are. I believe that it’s high time for slushies to break from today’s predetermined drink roles.
Second, I don’t believe in a certain mammal that scientists claim lives on this planet with me. I am a firm believer that there is no such thing as a red panda. Those videos you’ve seen online of cute, tiny, furry bundles of adorable with titles such as “Red Panda Gets Scared” or “Cute Baby Red Pandas” are only trying to mislead and misinform. The actual scientific name of this creature is Ailurus vulpes or the panda fox. Too long have the poor red panda-like foxes been called the wrong name. It’s time to stand up and do something. Well, not me of course. But I would be glad to support any campaigns to re-educate the unfortunately under-informed majority. Please don’t hesitate to send me an email at email@example.com to let me know of any marches or protests.
I’m glad I’ve been given this opportunity to let the world know what wrongs need to be righted. But, before I leave you with these words of wisdom, a quick disclaimer: anything that is portrayed as fact in the entirety of this purely opinionated piece should not be taken as actually factual. Please don’t believe everything said. I’m mostly kidding and won’t be responsible for anyone gullible enough to believe this. Although I wouldn’t mind red pandas actually being called panda foxes or a free slushie now and then because they’re historically and culturally important, like a National Slushie Day but none of that 7-Eleven nonsense.