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Top Hat

The mythical Weather Machine is real

Posted on April 1, 2014 in Uncategorized by Chuck Carletta, Grand Marshal

When I was elected Grand Marshal, there were certain secrets that were entrusted to me for safe keeping. Some pertained to RPI’s future while others touched upon the ever importance of student safety. However there is one secret that was shared with the implicit level of confidentiality. This particular legend is something that I wish to confirm with all students before I leave my office. It is too important not to distribute to others and I fear all will be lost if I do not share my story with you today.

On the day election results were announced last April, I was the happiest I have ever been after I heard my name called as the victor of the Grand Marshal election. The smiles and laughter of my joyous celebration lasted for a short while until I was forcefully escorted to a secret bunker beneath the Union by the previous Grand Marshal Kevin Dai. There I was given the standard issue black top hat, key to the GM office, the Student Senate gavel, and a bag of Pop Secret popcorn. After, Kevin went through all the responsibilities of the office with great detail and excitement until we arrived at the final and most important detail. With great care and a little trepidation, Kevin revealed the secret that would change my life forever: the mythical weather machine that has been joked about and poked fun of for years is real.

At first, I couldn’t believe it. How could something so grandiose and mythical exist without anyone on this campus—or even the world—confirming its existence? It was revealed to me that the weather machine was forged in a secret underground bunker on the hillside of RPI by College Avenue. The device had immense power and control over the weather, but it was too much for one person to handle and corrupted the minds of its inventors. Only one man was powerful enough to stand up and resist the corruption of the machine. In 1865, Albert Harper locked it away in the bunker it was created in so that no person would ever be able to use its wicked power again. For his wisdom and glory, the students of the Institute named this person as their leader and thus the position of Grand Marshal was born. All mentions of the weather machine were stricken from any written record. History soon became legend and legend became myth.

Why would I even mention this? Why would I choose to share this secret with the world? You see, the machine may have been locked away, but it requires the Grand Marshal’s power every year to reseal the prisoning bonds. If something were ever to happen to me, or the machine, it is imperative that some brave soul follow my instructions and attempt to lock the evil away. Now here are the instructions to locate the machine itself and to use it.

The entrance to the machine is seen by students every day and is hidden in plain sight: the raised Rensselaer seal outside of Sage Laboratory. The first step is to go to the fourth floor of Sage Laboratory to the hallway with all the “non-working” levers. From there, all the levers must be facing down with the exception of the last one on the right. Then, you must go to the echoing footprints located to the left of the footbridge. There you must speak the equations from President Jackson’s elementary particle theory dissertation in 1973 aloud. Only then will the Rensselaer seal lift off the ground, and reveal the tunnel to the location of the weather machine. The tunnel is a long, dark, and winding path that leads to the foundation of EMPAC, where the machine is now held. Now read the following carefully. If one is to use the machine please follow these instructions specifically or the results could be catastrophic.

~~(Paragraph redacted for national security reasons)~~

I trust you, RPI students. Use this knowledge with great care. GM out.