Editorial Notebook

My amazing girlfriend

A look at a perfect constraining relationship that won’t end

I have been in the greatest longterm relationship, it has been truly the greatest 73,267,200 seconds ever … yeah right. My “partner” had everything going for her between her literally endless nagging and overall hatred of everything enjoyable. She is just plain great!

I won’t have nearly enough time or space to convey all of her truly magnificent traits with you here today; however, I’ll do my best to convey just how incredible of a person she is. To get the ball rolling, she is just downright interesting with things, like an irrational fear of the word “moist” to the extent where you cannot use it in front of her without the incredible joy which comes from her screaming, or her perfect success at whining nearly constantly.

She does a wonderful job at conveying her opinions on my actions! For example, it is one of her favorite pastimes to share with me and everyone else around her how downright horrible my joyful and jubilant singing is. Like, could you get anymore positive? Additionally on the topic of music, she is the be all end all opinion on the subject. I mean come on, she thinks the music of The Beatles is boring and annoying. Combine this with her delusional thoughts that she will one day marry Justin Timberlake, similarly to how every eight year old girl thinks they will become Justin Bieber’s girlfriend.

One final unmatched quality she possesses has to be how much she is like a stereotypical grumpy old lady. For example, she will often complain of tiredness as early as 4, or even go to bed at that time. If not given the chance to go to sleep nice and early she becomes the most enjoyable person to hang out with. Like seriously, if you get the chance give it a try and go hang out with her yourself! There’s no one else you would want to ruin your weekend with; that’s a proven fact through experience.

To conclude: legally, I cannot share her name with you due to something like defamation laws or ethics or whatever but I’m sure you get the picture of who she is … I mean there’s no one better out there. One fact I can tell you with absolute certainty: you’ve got a clear-cut winner of a girlfriend here to the point where it sorta blows my mind.