The sins of seltzer

Water, for many, is considered an idyllic drink. Being neutral in flavor and perfectly adequate for quenching one’s thirst, there’s not much that could go wrong. Even if one doesn’t consider it idyllic, at least views it as inoffensive. With water as a baseline, let’s discuss a few common drinks and why there is actually no situation ever where seltzer is the right choice.

To define seltzer, it is simply water infused with carbon dioxide, with minimal if any flavoring added. La Croix, a common and well-known seltzer, is often described as carbonated water conceived while someone three rooms over was thinking about a fruit. Essentially, the drink doesn’t taste that different from water yet still manages to lose the benefit water has of tasting neutral with a “hint” of fruit flavor. If I wanted to drink a liquid with a neutral taste, then water is the beverage I’m going with. If I wanted to drink a liquid with a flavor, there’s a multitude of drinks I could pick. However, I’ve never found myself craving a liquid that is more or less neutral but still tries to convince me that there is some flavor going on. Why would I ever be in the mood for a drink that only has the concept of taste?

By not actually having any flavor through juice or other means, seltzer commits the greater offense of tasting like carbonation. The tangy, acidic quality of carbonation in combination with the physical sensation of the bubbles makes seltzer almost painful to drink. Seltzers often feel more intensely carbonated than sodas or energy drinks, which makes said physical sensation more difficult to deal with. Since there’s no sugar to bring joy or caffeine to bring energy, it makes me question what the suffering is worth. The clear answer is nothing.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike carbonation. Sure, I prefer my sodas a bit flat, but the carbonation adds a fun twist that would make me pick soda over juice when I’m in the mood for it. But seltzer is doing too much, and a “flat” version of seltzer is just water that tastes a bit off in a way that certainly isn’t good.

The main two reasons for drinking seltzer I most often hear are wanting to drink something with less sugar or wanting a more interesting way to hit one’s daily water intake. While seltzers typically contain minimal sugar, there are diet sodas, zero sugar juices, reduced sugar lemonades, etc. There are many other options for healthier drinks that actually taste like something and spark some happiness. As for upping one’s water intake, drinking seltzer will never be healthier than drinking water, though it can be a step in the right direction. However, the carbonation in seltzer lowers the pH to be below water, so even without tons of sugar, it still has the acidity necessary to erode your teeth over time. So, you’re still risking dental damage just to drink something that tastes worse than air. A better alternative would be putting flavorings, which have zero sugar and zero calorie versions, into a glass of plain water.

I find there are few drinks that beat the enjoyment of a nice, ice-cold glass of water. Juice provides a nice sweetness, and all-natural juices contain sugars that are easy for the body to process. Sodas have not only sweetness but also a potentially fun feeling of fizz. Energy drinks have sweetness, sometimes fizz, and the added bonus of caffeine. Coffee and teas are another great way to get caffeine, come in a multitude of flavors, and allow control over the level of sweetness. In almost every situation I can think of, I can find a drink more appealing than seltzer to consume. Seltzer brings nothing to the table, and I, personally, never want someone to bring it to my table.