Every so often, a cinematic masterpiece appears on the world stage which lays bare the human condition and beautifully sums up our lonely existence in a few short hours of film. These few are treasured by generations for their beauty and excellence. Lion Gate Entertainment’s Cheerleader Ninjas, for example, will long be held in high esteem for daring to ask such questions as “Isn’t it always happy hour in a porno theater?” Okay, so maybe it won’t be considered an instant classic. Not by a longshot. But it does have a lot of nudity, crude sex jokes, and cheesy fight scenes featuring blow-up dolls as stunt doubles, which combine to make a movie that will definitely be enjoyed by all.
The plot is simple: church ladies decide the Internet smut that is ruining their children’s lives is the fault of cheerleaders, and set out to destroy them using a team of reform school girls led by none other than a Liberace wannabe. But that’s not all! Computer geeks, who are, of course, trekkies, are tricked into helping a mysterious “Mr. X” distribute his Internet zombie domination software to the world in exchange for a date with one of the cheerleaders. Perfectly feasible, isn’t it? I thought so, too.
While the movie does include nudity, I don’t want to give the impression that it is entirely soft-core porn (emphasis on entirely). It is definitely not for people who are offended by “naked mammaries” and fart jokes. But for those people who can stomach it, this movie offers many spoofs on topics from American Beauty to Power Rangers, and even offers a nice moral to the audience: “Don’t judge a person by their race, religion, or how funny they talk. Instead, judge them by the car they drive and how cute their shoes are.”
From the first minute of the movie, when they reel some rejected titles for the movie, to the final fight scene which is too, umm, interesting to spoil/print in this family publication, Cheerleader Ninjas offers a rare look into the mind of someone who would call soaking wet cheerleaders bouncing on pogo sticks in slow motion “well worth the price of admission.”
According to the movie’s website (http://www.cheerleaderninjas.com/), the movie has not yet been released to the general public, and I am guessing that you would be hard-pressed to find it in a Blockbuster when it is, but the production company has set up a mailing list for fans to find out when and where they can get a copy.
For those readers who are into bad movies, this one should definitely make the list. As another reviewer put it, Cheerleader Ninjas is “a perfect specimen by which all future cheerleader sex farces must be judged.” How can anyone resist?
