Robots in disgust; Transformers disappoints

I love bad movies. Thankskilling, Food Fight, The Room, Sharknado, they’re cult classics. They’re terrible, but they have novelty value. I can rewatch them with friends and still find humor in them. The awful puns, grade C acting, I enjoy it all. However, when I say that Transformers: Age of Extinction was a pile of crap that ate a pile of crap that crapped another pile of crap, I mean that the movie was the third pile of crap. That’s right, it’s the worst one.

Readers, it doesn’t even matter if I spoil the movie because there was nothing worth to spoil in the first place. Transformers: Age of Extinction stars Mark Wahlberg as Cade Yeager, an unsuccessful inventor who lives in Texas with his daughter Tessa Cade, played by Nicola Peltz. Within the first 30 minutes of the movie, Cade buys an old truck to strip it for parts. And of course, the old truck is
Optimus Prime, mighty leader of the autobots. When the truck reveals himself to Cade, the government searches the Yeager property, and forces them on the run. From then on … it’s non-stop movement. That’s about all I can comprehend from the rest of the movie.

Any time I think of the film or see scenes in my mind, I get headaches. Movies are supposed to have an exposition, rising action, climax, falling action, and then a deposition. Those are the basic elements to any good plot, but after the characters were introduced, Transformers didn’t stop with the action. I don’t even think there was a climax. Right after the protagonists make a getaway from their house, they’re instantly thrust into another car chase, totaling about 30 minutes worth of action. Following the car chases, they break into a government facility and action continues for another 30 minutes. It doesn’t stop here; the crew then boards an alien robot ship and the characters fight for another half hour. Do you see what I’m getting at? The nonstop explosions and car chases were painful to watch after a whopping two hours and 15 minutes. There needs to be calm scenes where the viewer can relax and take in what the action was supposed to convey. The fast-paced action shots should complement the dialogue-dominated takes. But instead, Transformers left no time for that; it was literally painful to expose my eyes to the screen for more than half an hour at a time.

The biggest marketing point the movie made was Transformers riding on robot dinosaurs. But by the time the film decided to show them, it was too late for me. It wasn’t worth sitting through two hours of physically exhausting visual combat just to see Optimus Prime ride on a robot T-Rex for about 10 minutes. By that time, I was so numb that seeing the robot dinosaur breathe fire made me feel empty.

Why did I pay $10 to see this movie? How did I convince two of my friends and me to watch this abomination? You two know who you are, and I am still sorry for making you guys watch it with me. I’ll never be able to forgive myself. I’m never going to get those 165 minutes of my life back.

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