It is from reading the news that I have come to the conclusion that this great country of ours is plagued by problems. The most important of these being global warming, American jobs lost to illegal workers, the bankruptcy of Social Security, terrorist threats, and the ever-faltering economy. Politicians, former vice presidents, and others have each attempted to come up with solutions to these problems with one common result: failure. The truth is that, by themselves, each of these problems is seemingly impossible to fix without the subsequent creation of other, more serious issues. That is why it is now time to stop thinking outside of the box, and start thinking in one, a giant one—one that encompasses all of these things that plague our great nation.
My modest proposal consists of a hole, the Sahara desert, and a whole lot of shovels. The first part of the problem-solving box is this whole global warming business. Wikipedia has taught us that greenhouse gases get trapped by the atmosphere, preventing heat from escaping and thereby causing the planet to warm up. This is a problem, because a good chunk of the Earth’s water happens to be frozen, and one of the lesser characteristics of ice is that it melts. This melting water is expected to flood coastal areas and turn the great state of Florida into one giant Seaworld Park. While many Democrats would have no problem removing Florida from the United States, the 16 million people that inhabit the Sunshine State have some qualms about this laissez-faire approach.
Conservationists have argued that all we need to do to end global warming is to stop driving cars and shut down all of our industries. While a good idea in theory, the reality is that having people voluntarily stop using their cars will be about as effective as those “Don’t buy gas on this date and Exxon-Mobil will go bankrupt” e-mails. Exxon had revenues of $377 billion last year, and I regularly use my car to drive down the block. We as a nation cannot count on these trends changing.
Instead of adopting buzzwords like “moderation,” we need to find a place to store all of this newly melted water. I propose we put all that water in a hole, and what better place for a giant hole than in the Sahara desert? You may be wondering how this solves our other problems. Remember all those Americans who lost their landscaping jobs to illegal immigrants? Now we can give them their jobs back, albeit it will be in the form of digging a giant hole in Africa. What about all those “baby boomers” who are going to be applying for Social Security? We’ll simply send them to the sandy beaches of the Sahara desert. There they can relax on recliners and soak up the sun during breaks from digging a giant hole in the desert.
With all of the “baby boomers” deported to our grand project, Social Security will be saved and the economy will be stronger than ever. That leaves only one major problem unsolved: terrorism. When the rest of the world sees our brilliant construction project these terrorists will surely thank Allah for saving Florida and end their fatwa against the United States, maybe. No plan is perfect, but one thing is certain: Jonathan Swift would be proud.
