Some people get confidence from accomplishment, excelling where others have fallen short, prevailing through determination, innate ability and courage. For others, self confidence is the by- product of survival: existing in the face of huge resistance, staying in school with no money or social support, surviving with a handicap, escaping poverty to make a life for yourself. Well, I am not so good at any of that, but I have had an epiphany that gets me through the most formidable challenges in life: Most everyone else is a moron. Confidence comes from recognizing the weakness and idiocy that is all around me.
No matter how or why you might feel inadequate, just remember that fools are succeeding and being richly rewarded at the highest levels of influence. Do you think that you can be the general manager of a big market NBA team? No? Isiah Thomas can keep his job with the Knicks after trading for ball-hogging, proven loser Steve Francis and his $9 billion contract. Worried about being a young professional responsible for millions of company dollars? RPI is in the middle of spending $100+ million on EMPAC. Would you waste that kind of scratch at an engineering school located in a blue-collar town like Troy that happens to be proximate to no fewer than five excellent performing arts centers? Now, it takes connections and fame to become president of a basketball team or university, but anyone can apply my style of thinking for the confidence needed to succeed in any walk of life. By any walk of life, I mean, casual sex, of course.
Singles bars can be rough places for a young man. The male/female ratio can approach unity, but the ratio of those trying to get laid by gender is somewhere around 20, depending on the date and time. The situation isn’t so dire on special occasions—Halloween, New Year’s, etc.—but it is never anywhere near one. How often have you asked yourself in stunned monologue, “She’s leaving with him?” I don’t know much (read: anything) about women trying to get laid, but I’ve heard that they really like confidence. It’s at this time that a man has to act like he knows what he’s doing. As someone who doesn’t know what he’s doing, the best I can manage is to mentally discount my rivals; I do this anytime I cruise into a bar.
What have I learned? Most guys in singles bars are complete tools. Here’s how it breaks down: Ignore anyone with three inches of lard hanging over his belt—girls don’t dig lard. Disregard the dudes drinking Coors Light—an unexplainable plague in the Capital district; if she likes a guy who drinks Coors Light, you don’t want her. You’re still young enough to cross off anyone with gray hair. Right away 60 percent of the field is behind you. Don’t stop with the obvious though. The frat dorks cheering on the Yankees? Watching baseball is dull enough, but how do you think a woman feels about watching someone else watch baseball? Of the remaining men, figure at least 10-20 percent are gay. It’s not always easy to figure out immediately, but if a guy’s well dressed, manicured, and spoken, it’s a good bet. The tip-off is if he interacts with a large number of attractive women over the course of the night without ever groping one.
At this point, the alcohol you’ve been consuming will do the rest. It’s down to you, the witty guys and bodybuilding meatheads. It helps if you fit in one of these categories; if not, pound a shot, I’ll wait … Ready? Okay, the girls just got a lot more attractive, you’re more articulate than an 18th century philosopher, and you are able to throw down that guy wearing the King of the Cage T-shirt. Good luck, hombre, you won’t need it.
