Go Be Red? Forget about it. It’s over. The rest of these piddling teams should just throw in the towel. The Senate, or whatever governing body is pulling the strings, might as well end the competition right now. Why? That’s easy. Poly Sports is going to humiliate the other teams in this contest. That’s right; the sports department here at The Polytechnic has a team. A winning team.
I’m supremely confident in our impending triumph. We go to all of these games anyway. We are more reliable than a Swiss watch. When we heard about this competition, we just laughed. You mean to tell me that the apathetic, monitor-tanned student body is going to beat us, the sportswriters, at our jobs? Please. We can’t even get 4,000 people to show up to a Division I ice hockey game unless there’s a giveaway or some color-related gimmick. That’s pretty telling, especially considering we have a program that’s won two national championships! Other Go Be Red teams are going to see (on their handy yellow calendar) some of the other games they’ll have to attend and merely scoff. Shortly thereafter, the calendar will head straight for the nearest circular file.
As far as I’m concerned, this contest is over. Kaput. Granted, there was a decent showing at the Big Red Chill (even if the recording skipped during the record-breaking electric slide attempt), but I give it about two weeks before the interest fizzles out and Poly Sports rises like cream to the top of the standings. Heck, I’ve already got my bathing suit picked out­—with matching flip-flops. I hear Cancun is mighty nice that time of year. I can almost feel the sand between my toes, and there’s not a thing anybody else is going to do about it.
What? Don’t like it? Think I sound like a pompous jerk? Fine. Prove me wrong. Show our team up. Get yourselves to these games and make us look like timid souls. See to it that every clothing store in the 12180 zip code runs out of red shirts. Make this contest worthwhile. If you don’t, you’re going to look pretty foolish. A lot of people, in fact, would look pretty foolish. Not the Poly Sports members, though. We’ll be laughing all the way to Mexico.
With our matching flip-flops.
