To the Editor:
As the current Meanest Man on Campus, I find it useful to occasionally remind you where all the mean stuff begins. For reasons that may never be fully explained, Alpha Phi Omega, the National Co-Ed Service Fraternity has asked that I attempt to extend my reign for another year. One would think they would have learned their lesson last year. Those of you that have been here for more than a semester know that the MMOC is elected by voting for candidates with loose change. The person that collects the most money is elected as the MMOC. All the money collected is donated to one of the charities in the Troy area. I don’t know what the charity will be this year, Alpha Phi Omega knows better than to tell me, but I’m sure they are worthy of your donations. If this is your first exposure to the MMOC competition, you probably are a freshman or one of the other many four legged life forms that spend their days rummaging through the out door trash cans scaring the living bejabbers out of students by poking their heads out of said trash cans at opportune moments.
Many of you will remember that with a spectacular display of ballot stuffing only matched by a few interesting elections in Chicago, I was able to steal the election from far more worthy candidates. Thankfully, RPI staff and faculty are only surpassed in their terminal cheapness by the students they teach. I will certainly stuff the ballot box again this year; the amount depends on how quickly I can rifle the petty cash drawer when backs in the office are turned.
My record of mean-spirited behavior speaks for itself. Since I “won” last year, I have not implemented my plan of replacing all your cable channels with my video lectures (regrettably, television executives seem to have created the same effect on TV today without my input). Despite this, I feel that I didn’t win by a large enough margin so I have instituted a dose of mean on campus to remind you just how ugly things can get. Just ask any EG&CAD student these days. For fun, you might want to walk behind them making train sounds; they’ll appreciate your thoughtfulness. Also, my goal of making parking farther from campus is also reaping huge rewards. I am delighted that you are putting up with this. If you don’t elect me again, I’ll convince the parking office to go a step further and move your parking spot to a location that will be conveniently located just east of Logan Airport.
Given that the MMOC election isn’t until GM week next semester, you might wonder why I’m bothering you now. You don’t see the other candidates out here bugging you for your loose change. That just shows you how low I’m capable of going if I’m left unhappy. I know I only have you for one credit (or four more if you are one of the truly blessed and get stuck with me for IED too). I know other candidates can make your GPA vanish faster than a website you were viewing when your mother suddenly appeared over your shoulder, but folks, I’m the only one that would start to bother you now about it!
Douglas H. Baxter, MMOC
School of Engineering
