Editorial Notebook

The dream dream career

Editor ponders five zany careers to replace her current one

Every semester when I’m drowning in work, I begin to think of other careers I could have pursued. I have never seriously considered careers outside of science, technology, engineering, and math, though I spend a good portion of every day yelling at my computer or in lab trying to figure out why what should be a clear solution has just turned a vibrant magenta. I don’t know what I’d do with more free time if I were to give up on science. However, with the time to apply to graduate school rapidly approaching I’m starting to think a change wouldn’t be so bad. I did some reading and compiled a list of potential back up careers.

Fortune Cookie Writer

Very few things disappoint me as much as opening a fortune cookie to find something that isn’t a fortune. “You are patient and hard working.” That isn’t a fortune! If I were to write fortunes they would be something along the lines of “Now is the time to prepare for the impending apocalypse” or “Beware of garden gnomes.” I’m sure I’d get a chuckle out of my handiwork before being fired for inducing panic in gullible people.

Feline Swim Coach

What I would like to know is who thought it would be a good idea to teach a hydrophobic creature how to swim. Seeing a cat in a swimsuit and water wings would leave me in stiches but I don’t want to be anywhere near a cat in water. Try tossing a cat into a pool and it will cling to you for dear life. They’ll sink their teeth and claws into anything within reach and will leave the pool looking like a crime scene.

Professional Sleeper

After spending a few sleep-deprived years in college, I think most students would agree that sleep is precious. I like to think that getting up in the morning would be far easier if I knew I could go back to sleep at work. I’d shamelessly show up to work in my pajamas, completing the look with fuzzy bunny slippers. Being a professional sleeper would hardly impress my family who has spent over $100,000 on my tuition but if someone’s getting paid to do it, why not me?

Sports Mascot

As a football and hockey fan rallying fans to cheer on their team to victory sounds like a great job. I’ll be the first to admit I sometimes get too excited about the game but being a sports mascot would give me an outlet for my energy. Wildcats, bulldogs, and eagles are over done. Given the choice, I’d want to be an eccentric mascot like the Banana Slug, Fighting Okra, or Puckman. I’d break out my best dance moves, most of which, I picked up from the movie Hitch. The best part of the job: no one would know that the fool in the mascot costume is me!

UFOlogist

Like most science-minded people, I take no stock in claims of alien abductions and UFO’s. However, a surprisingly large number of people take the pseudoscience of UFOlogy seriously and have made careers out of studying it. A creative streak is necessary to spin conspiracy stories of flying saucers and government cover-ups. The hardest part of the job, in my opinion, would be suppressing laughter and maintaining a straight face while presenting my “research.”