Putin gives advice, explains plan during Senate

Attack on dining halls, organization of students, new GM all part of “Putin on the Pain” operation

On Monday, the Student Senate met to discuss the recent silverware policy instituted at all dining halls. For those that do not know, Sodexo recently rid all dining halls of all silverware and plates in order to save money and reduce environmental impact. However, in doing so, Sodexo completely bypassed student government. Vladimir Putin, the guest speaker that day, presided over the meeting.

As soon as the Senate meeting started, people flooded the room. Students began chanting, “No mastication without representation.” After Putin brought order, he began the meeting by introducing himself. As the president of the Russian Federation, Putin declared that his experience in Georgia and Ukraine would assist students in receiving what they wanted, without consequence. The economic sanctions that the RPI administration would put on students would be ineffective at best, according to him. Putin then stated that his purpose was to “help the student body annex the dining halls for their economic gain.” This way, students could have their silverware and plates and eat on them too. Additionally, he reasoned that students could stand to profit from the natural gas pipelines running through Commons Dining Hall. He also deemed Blitman Residence Commons to be in the perfect geographic position to begin trading agreements with Downtown Troy.

His plan, “Putin on the Pain” is a three-step process to invade the dining halls. The first part begins with the organization of a student armed forces, lead by the Kollective Graduate Bloc. They were, according to Putin, the “Crème de la Kremlin,” and represented the most experienced and clever of the RPI student body population. The KGB, ruthless and fearless in their goals, were appointed based on their lack of financial aid and number of TA hours they served. Putin claims them to be “silent but deadly, like a Boris Yeltsin fart.”

The second step of the plan starts with the invasion of the dining halls. The Sodexo staff, now unable to defend themselves with silverware and cutlery, would stand no match to the impending wrath of IED made marshmallow launchers and unbreakable Lenovo laptops. Putin said that the entire attack should take no more than a day, based on his invasion of Georgia.

After the attack, the next logical step is annexation. Putin reasoned that since approval ratings for annexation from dining hall workers have been over 93 percent, there should be no problems integrating the dining halls as part of the United Student States of Rensselaer.

Concluding the explanation, Putin advised that Russian the plan is not the way to go. Each step must be carefully carried out, just like his “Ukraine to Mykraine” strategy he used in Crimea. The floor was then opened up to questions.

A student who wished to keep his identity anonymous asked if Putin felt bad about his mistreatment of Ukraine and unethical methods. He responded, “Да, Crimea river. I’m actually vlad. Russia will be streets ahead due to this annexation and tougher from it.” Another student asked, “What have you done to the current GM and PU? Why are they not here?” Putin replied, “Sigh, beri a hatchet. I have made peace with them, and in return, they have made me Emperor of the Union. With my new powers, I will be ‘Putin on the Pain.’”

The meeting continued with new business. Andy Suds ’17 passed a no confidence motion against Putin, declaring him to be unjust and overly aggressive in his policies. As the Russian president said, “I do not recognize this motion,” he climbed over his table and proceeded to grab Suds and defenestrated him. Putin then walked back to his seat continued the meeting. When asked about his actions, he replied, “Some call me a dictator. I call them missing.”

John Smith ’15 motioned to open a discussion on “Putin on the Pain.” Smith stated that he was in full support of the idea, and that he and the “Red gummi worms wuld stand to gane from itt.” Another student moved to close and call a vote to approve the idea, resulting in unanimous support of “Putin on the Pain.” Following the closure of this discussion and its subsequent vote, Putin lauded Smith on his wise decision. Putin announced that his regency as Emperor of the Union would be short lived because he, as the Russian president, would not be able to handle all of the responsibilities that both GM and PU require. Consequently, Putin appointed Smith as acting GM, effective immediately. “This way,” Putin claimed, “I can attend my Judo class on Monday nights, in place of the Senate meetings that are during the same time.” The former Emperor of the Union also stated that the plan will commence on April 1. Putin adjourned the meeting at 6:41 pm.

The next Senate meeting will take place next Monday at 6 pm. Progress on the “Putin on the Pain” plan will be discussed then. For more information, visit http://www.eng.kremlin.ru.

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