You are going to help me, help you, help yourself through the most direct and immediate methods available. To facilitate this, I have written up a number of protocols that vary depending on the location or situation that you may be in:

If you are sitting in a boring lecture reading The Poly to pass time, cut or tear out this article and make a paper airplane or origami figure from it. If you chose the origami route, give it to the nearest pretty girl in an attempt to win her heart. If you are a pretty girl, reject all origami given to you.

If you are at a social event, sitting in your room, or walking across campus, tear this entire page up into confetti-sized pieces. Find an acquaintance that you may or may not know very well and toss confetti at them while singing “Happy Birthday.”

If you are using copies of The Poly to cover the floor while painting, cover the words here in paint until they’re no longer visible. If convenient, cut this article out and paint it into a wall or something like some kind of primitive Colombian drug stash.

If you are reading this on our website, express surprise that somebody actually updated it, and then redirect your browser to http://youtube.com/watch?v=eBGIQ7ZuuiU. A Mr. Rick Astley has a few words for you.

If you got this issue because you’re a Rensselaer parent or alum and have a subscription, tear this article out and stuff it into one of those postage-paid advertising spam envelopes. Mail it back to them. If for some reason you happen to be my mother, I’m sorry for wasting your tuition money writing articles and then telling people to tear them up.

If you are working at a postage-paid advertising spam envelope receiving area, use a pen to color in all the letters in this article. Hopefully that took a good chunk of time out of your day that would have otherwise been spent sending out advertising spam.

If you are in the Poly office proof-reading this issue, tear this article up in a fit of rage and throw the nearest pen/blunt object at me (Put the paper cutter down!). If I am not in the office, call me up and leave a harassing voicemail on my cell phone.

If you are currently in a Church of Scientology, cut out this article, type a Cease & Desist letter on the back and mail it to me. I’ll frame it. This does not apply if you are Tom Cruise; if you are Tom Cruise, this message will self-destruct in five seconds.