When I was an undergrad at UC Davis my car didn’t do much during the week aside from gathering dust. In fact, for two years I didn’t own a car. Davis is a pseudo-liberal town in California’s Sacramento River Valley, the sort of town that seems real cool until you live there for about a month. The most positive synopsis I can make of my three years there is this: I didn’t have to drive much. Davis is covered with bike paths; it is much easier to get around town on two wheels—or skates— than four. The weather varies from mild fog to soul-killing heat, but either way a car is unnecessary at best. This worked for me because I hate cars.
Here in Troy, and in most cities in this great country of ours, I can’t avoid them. The weather is a formidable adversary during most of winter, but it is during the summer that I truly loathe the automobile. As an aside, when I say “cars” or “automobiles,” I am including trucks and SUVs. If you have some objection to that then I suggest you see a doctor about having some of the Hick removed. During warm weather I have to share the pot-hole strewn streets with giant rolling death machines that seem to find some threat or insult by my presence. There is never a shortage of safe-in-their-car tough guys willing to throw a beer can at a bicyclist’s head while driving by in the latest Detroit white-trash-mobile.
On one occasion in an attempt to turn at a four way intersection I left hand signaled and veered left to wait at the stop sign for my turn to go. This infuriated the motorist behind me for some reason and he let loose in an Old E-fueled tirade that sounded something like this, “F%$% you a&6# p&*@ Lance Armstrong *%43!!...” When I offered the driver and his friend a free lesson in humility if he would be willing to step out of his car, he responded with a look of confusion and horror that he must reserve for analog wristwatches. Then he dropped a couple Lances and f-bombs before speeding off.
Like most hypocrites, I do drive quite often, I have a highly fuel efficient ride and I try to carpool when possible, but I still use far more gas than I would like. About the only thing I enjoy while driving is the rare profound—or profane—bumper sticker. I had one on my former car that read “The media are only as liberal as the conservative businesses that own them.” It was a great conversation starter:
“Dude, you know that your bumper sticker is grammatically incorrect? It should say ‘The media is only as liberal as the conservative businesses that own it’.”
“Actually, media is plural for medium.” “I thought it was referring to Newspapers and TV and stuff.”
“…yeah…”
Sometimes I imagine starting a bumper sticker business. When I think of what I’d like to say, it usually comes out pretty depressing and over the top, though. Here are some examples:
“Support Incompetence and Greed: Buy American” (obviously works best on my Honda).
“TV: Have you had your brain washed today?”
“Fear is God’s way of telling you that you’re ignorant.” Violence is your way of telling the world.”
“Butt Hut Alternative Lifestyle Nightclubs: Got Butt?”
Alright, so that last one I ripped off from my older brother. He has his own dream of starting a chain of alternative lifestyle bars; in fact, I think it will be the thesis of his MBA. That is another article entirely.
My favorite idea for a bumper sticker (or t-shirt or whatever) logo came from a friend of mine. I am a little hesitant to write it. If you are easily offended you should stop reading now.
Okay here goes:
“Keep abortion legal: Kill evangelicals before they’re born the first time.”
If you don’t think that’s funny, then we have nothing in common.
