If something happens 20 million times each day, is it still a miracle?
Breeding is definitely in. I avoid Hollywood gossip as much as possible, but the line at Price Chopper is littered with tabloids and almost-legit magazines that breathlessly trumpet the latest vacuous celebrity’s impregnation. The fact that I know that Britney Spears, Kate Hudson, Katie Holmes, 200-year-old Geena Davis, and God-fears-whoever-else has managed to get knocked up is like knowing that I accidentally ingested a used Band-Aid while at the breakfast diner. Unlike the Band-Aid, I can’t ralph mind pollution out of my head. The only treatment is dilution. So I try to put useful, beautiful ideas and images into my brain.
Unfortunately, these are hard to find. It takes work to develop a beautiful idea, but trash information seeps in on its own accord.
A buddy told me that he read about a walking pro-abortion slogan in Arkansas who has just birthed her 16th whelp. It took me a while to understand that it was a human he was describing.
Friend: “This lady in Arkansas had her 16th kid.”
Me: “So? My neighbor had a rat that had 18 babies in one pregnancy.”
Friend: “I am talking about a human being.”
Me: “... She’s a Christian, isn’t she? She claims this is God’s will, right?”
Friend: “Yeah, and she wants another one. These were the father’s words: ‘We both just love children and we consider each a blessing from the Lord. I have asked Michelle if she wants more, and she said yes, if the Lord wants to give us some she will accept them.’”
Me: “…”
Friend: “By the way, the dad is named Jim Bob; I’m not kidding.”
Me: *trying to stab medulla oblongata with a piece of shattered glass*
The more I learn about the problems of the world, the more I realize they have one common trait: human f***ing beings.
Disease, war, pollution, traffic jams, unaffordable housing, desertification, talk radio, extinction of cool animals (mammoths, romanian tigers, california grizzlies, dodo birds), proliferation of unpleasant life forms (rats, crows, political commentators); all of these things are caused or greatly exacerbated by human density. All the recycling, carpooling, education, and technology in the world can’t fight the stress and ugliness brought on by an eight-to-one birth/death ratio. Attention-starved androids from states that want to ban the teaching of evolution in schools certainly don’t help.
Of course, it isn’t the sheer numbers of births, it’s the people choosing to reproduce. Nature has these nifty little mechanisms that prevent aged and faulty animals from spreading their subpar seed. Things like impotence, lowered sperm count and activity, barrenness, menopause, and being viciously ugly. These are God’s little ways of telling people their genes are no longer wanted.
Of course, hubris allows people to convince themselves of just about anything. A quick trip to the fertility clinic (or a few extra trips to happy hour) and a woman can have doctors induce fertilization. It has a success rate of something like 25 percent, so they’ll try to generate at least six viable embryos. Often multiple embryos are viable and the woman must decide to keep however many she wants. Most get destroyed (for some reason I don’t see religious nutjobs protesting outside of these clinics). Once in a while, some breeding mare—er, woman—will have as many as eight little blessings ready to enter the world. In her mind, destroying them would be an affront to God’s plan. Maybe one of them will be the next Einstein; of course, it’s more likely she’ll produce the next Stalin.
