I am delighted that the RPI community was able to raise so much money for the Meanest Man on Campus competition. In fact, you raised so much money it must mean you still have some to spare. I have alerted the Troy Building of this fact.

I am pleased (beyond words any of you may even hope of comprehending) in winning the competition against such mean and vile candidates. I am not surprised (I stuffed the ballot box), but I am pleased that the other candidates were either too cheap or too uninspired to buy the election. I must admit some disappointment in no longer being able to move on my campaign threats. I was counting on saving the Institute money by shutting down all the SolidWorks license servers for the remainder of the semester. I also liked the idea of replacing all your cable TV with my CAD lectures (new on ABC this fall, “Who wants to marry a CAD guy?”). I fear that my plan to control the curriculum with my teaching philosophy (no assignment too large, no grade too low, no credit given) will have to remain in EG&CAD for the foreseeable future. At the very least, I might convince everyone that we can keep doing EG&CAD but at half a credit.

Normally, it would be fitting to thank my campaign managers, Dave Tu, Serge Basturecu, and Kevin Woolsey for their outstanding work; but I’m mean so I won’t. I will suck up and thank President Jackson for her support in my election as MMOC. In fact, her confidence in me is so high she started building my new office space by Old School 14 and a parking garage for my expected entourage prior to this election.

Finally, I would like to close with some words to my students. Why are you reading this? Haven’t I given you enough work to do? There’s more work where the last batch came from. You only have two weeks left, you don’t have time to read this. I don’t want to hear how busy you are if you have time to read banal satirical editorials. Wash behind your ears, eat your vegetables, and don’t forget to call home.

Douglas H. Baxter