Monthly Archives: December 2015

Rensselaer Union

Rensselaer Union’s Nelson leaving RPI

Communications specialist looking forward to new employment in Troy area

Update (12:10 pm, December 21):

After meeting with a reporter, Nelson provided The Poly with the following statement: Read more...

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A statement regarding the December 9 parody issue

After further discussion with members of the Rensselaer community regarding the content of this week’s end-of-semester parody issue, the Polytechnic Senior Board has decided to redact some of this week’s content. While the intent of the issue was humor, some items were in poor taste and in excess. It does not further the image we wish to impart on the campus as the RPI newspaper. Read more...

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Winter Tunnel initiative announced

In an email to the Rensselaer community, the RPI administration announced plans for the Winter Tunnel. In their email, they described Winter Tunnel as “a way to further help our community bond through the winter months.” They went on to describe how a similar program has worked well at Rochester Institute of Technology and that it has long been something RPI has needed. “I have seen first-hand how well this program works,” wrote an administrator. “It will be a much needed moral boost to the community.” Read more...

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Prestigious Rick Hartt museum amazes

At the corner of 15th Street and Sage Avenue, there is an esteemed art museum that many students know—falsely, I might add—in another capacity. This museum contains only one important painting among a sea of worthless work, an image of the Rensselaer Union’s Lord almighty, Prince of Peace, Protector of Students, retired Director of the Union, Rick Hartt. The impression of Hartt comes with significant emotional baggage for many who see it, and it sends them on a literal trip down memory lane to the glory days of the Union. Read more...

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Union gets putted to defeat in first match

Varsity minigolf hosted their first home event this past week, scraping by with a win against Union College on Thursday afternoon. Since the team is new this season, RPI Athletics has not had time to build a proper facility. The Liberty League has allowed the team to play through various academic buildings, deeming the course “suitable and challenging enough for the time being.” Read more...

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President’s fan reveals herself

To the Honorable Shirley Ann “My Hero” Jackson, I want to thank you for the inspiring story that is yours. I don’t want to take this time to highlight your many accolades and accomplishments, of which are numerous and impressive. I just want to talk about how you, a person of such high status to the point of being seemingly not unrelatable, have touched and inspired a lowly RPI student. Read more...

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4 hour meeting accomplishes so very much

This week has been a stressful week for many and for many senators; their Senate duties have fallen by the wayside. In fact, there was serious discussion on the Senate mailing list about cancelling this week’s meeting. The decision was made to hold the meeting when the email thread was leaked to Reddit and metal-based accounts chastised their representatives for a seeming lack of dedication to the weighty duties being a senator implies. Read more...

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Pictures are worth 1,000 words

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Modern performance gives strong impression

At the start of this semester, I was afforded the opportunity to access a new type of performance art that focuses on intellectual discovery as a means to convey information, with the name of this work being “Modern Political Analysis of Agrarian Farming Practices of Inuit Tribes in the 18th Century,” or MPAAFPIT18C for short. The performance seemed to be shrouded in secrecy, the only way to “register” as an audience member was through a clunky and retro-chic website called SIS, and even then you had to find it at the bottom of the list of works. Even through all this trouble, you still had to sign up for the show way in advance, at least a semester ahead in order to get in. Now, does all this trouble mean a worthwhile experience? You will soon find out. Read more...

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Tall girls dominate the field in latest victory

Folks, we’re in for a real treat today. The Rensselaer women’s basketball team is lining up to duke it out with the Clarkson University’s Golden Knights. Unfortunately, our usual sports writer is a little under the weather, so I’ll be filling in for them. And boy, do I feel confident. Read more...

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RPI students getting high off new Resilience drug

In a press release, Department of Public Safety Director Jerry Matthews announced a recent discovery of a trending new activity affecting Rensselaer students. Read more...

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Staff Editorial: Bidding a final farewell

It is with great sorrow and heavy hearts that The Polytechnic announces the passing of former Editor in Chief Christopher Leong. It is hard to express the sadness that fills us in such a short staff editorial. Chris, this is a tribute to you. Read more...

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Romantic drama The Room captivates

Poly reviewer becomes emotionally invested in film; loses mind at the beauty of 2003

After its release in 2003, the romantic drama The Room quickly gained notoriety as one of the worst films ever made. Written by, directed by, and starring Tommy Wiseau, the movie is the essence of a melodramatic love triangle, and the plot unfolds in such a remarkably predictable way that I could probably have written the dialogue word for word. Read more...

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New sport sweeps campus, involves many

There have been reports filed to the Department of Public Safety of large crowds of people heard excessively yelling outside the Troy Building and adjacent buildings. It turns out the Rensselaer Club Speedwalking team has been practicing from sunrise to sunset. The team consists of 7,029 members: students, both graduates and undergraduates, including the president of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute. Read more...

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Drake gives insight into the writing process

I haven’t eaten anything, and Rasika bought sushi from Father’s. Man, Nick’s gavel is really loud. I feel like he hits that thing with more gusto than is warranted. What happens if he breaks it? I wonder if he has a hearing problem. I wonder how many decibels it takes to break the hairs in the ear. Oh damn, did Nick just say something important? I’m just gonna type some things so they think that I’m paying attention. Thank God for this agenda. Go whoever makes these things. They deserve an award or at least paid vacation—they’re raising their hands. Why are they raising their hands?! Why is there a vote so early in the game?! Whelp, some motion just got passed unanimously. Read more...

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New era for GM beings

Friends, comrades, enemies, sympathizers,

Allow me to be frank: the leadership of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute is weak, and I won’t stand for it. As someone who has an overwhelming love for this institution, I refuse to see such a great school fail to live up to its utmost potential. As such, I have elected myself to the position of Grand Marshal. While some may call this transition of power a “hostile takeover,” I prefer to think of it as power falling into its rightful hands. Although this transition may be difficult for some of you, I strongly encourage you to bear with me as we go through this great reawakening in Troy; the consequences for insubordination will be swift and dire. Read more...

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Adele reintroduces herself with new album 23

Powerful singer releases Christmas album; promises more albums for holidays in future

The chorus of the first track “Hello, It’s Me Again” of Adele’s newest album 23 sent disturbing, Christmas-themed chills down my spine. These chills remained while I listened to the other 22 tracks as I unreluctantly let Adele take me through a Christmas season I had never known. On the heels of 25’s success, Adele has managed to release another album, one closer to her heart and the holiday spirit. 23: Twenty-Three Christmas Songs to Remind You of Your Ex will force you to ask the questions, “Whose hand am I holding this Christmas Eve?” and “Do I still have to buy presents for my parents?” Read more...

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Original six comes to compete in two weeks

Back in August, the board members of the National Collegiate Sports Association gathered around the fabled oval table in Jacksonville to discuss the addition of a new sport to the collegiate docket. Outside, temperatures hiked 100 degrees, and the central air conditioning unit broke down in the middle of the meeting. “How could you even consider this?” Jon Cheeseman, president of Eastern California University, asked the other members of the board as beads of sweat ran down his forehead onto his oversized nose. Read more...

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Head of EMPAC announces new “Golden Tuition Bill” contest

On September 10, 2015, the chief chocolatier of the Experimental and Media Performing Arts Center announced the Golden Tuition Bill contest, in which five lucky winners of the golden bills will receive the opportunity to tour the world famous EMPAC factory. In recent years, the chief chocolatier has become a recluse, living secretly in her mansion on Tibbets Avenue. However, she now appears regularly, speaking at events called Town Hall meetings little importance to the Rensselaer community. With the announcement of the contest, the Institute total annual income is projected to increase by nearly one EMPAC construction and bring further media coverage to RPI, nicknamed Rochester Institute of Technology. Read more...

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PU announces intent to become meanest

Sup Knurds?

I hope your day has been uneventful and grey. Maybe with a rough test and the good old ‘Tute Screw involved. I write today to announce my bid for Meanest Man on Campus, an annual competition hosted by Alpha Phi Omega during Grand Marshal Week to bring out the meanest and the leanest on campus. We scum raise money through donations, and the individual who raises the most money truly brings on the Glump and is declared the MMOC. I don’t care about any rulebooks or guidelines; I’ll make my announcements whenever I so please. So keep that in mind when we come out of budgeting season and the pennies are pinched so hard they bend. You’ll be scrambling to figure out which way your appeals should go, and it’ll cause a good laugh. You’ll wonder how to run all your programs and have all your teammates travel, but that sounds more like a “you problem.” Read more...

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